Every day I talk to people about their long term care plans. A common theme I hear is the idea that “I’ll just let my kids take care of me!” On the surface, that sounds reasonable. It’s true that after raising our kids we are perfectly right in hoping they will return the favor when we need them, but those who have experienced this scenario tell a different story.Let’s face it; caring for an invalid parent is relentless and thankless work. Surveys show that children of adult parents dread having to take on the challenges of care giving but will accept it should the responsibility fall on them. This dread is well founded. Most caregivers end up needing care themselves by the time their duties are finished. Why? Because the infirm do not go to a nursing home when they need to but when their caregivers can no longer assist.
Sibling Rivalries
For most of us, the challenges of sibling rivalry fades as our kids reach adulthood. However, as parents grow older and those same kids begin to step into the role of caregiver, those rivalries can flare up again. The reason is that care giving can rarely be fairly distributed between your children. One will inevitably be required to take the lead. Or two will share responsibilities while a third does very little. This is not a matter of who loves you more; it’s all about who is available and when. Even the most responsible of us is subject to feelings of jealousy when a brother or sister does not share the load, even when we know full well that they have no choice.
Financial Burdens
Many seniors do not have the financial resources to live into their eighties, nineties and beyond. They remember when their parents were seniors and few of them lived beyond their late sixties and early seventies. New medical procedures and healthier lifestyles have added decades to many of our lives. However, these added years often come at a cost a parent does not have adequately resources to cover. Add to that the cost of home health care and you have a recipe for financial meltdown.
At the same time adult children have demonstrated that they are willing to quit their jobs, pass up a promotion and even dip into their own retirement funds to make up in the difference their parents need. Is this really what we want? After so many years of telling our children to take responsibility for themselves, are we suddenly going to impose ourselves on their good graces for our own care? Most of the seniors I talk to tell me that want to avoid this at all costs.
Personal Matters
Let’s be frank here: our sons are not likely to be providing the care. (This is a trend that is changing, but slowly.) That means it will be our daughters and daughters-in-law doing the bathing and toileting. That’s mighty personal. I love my wife dearly, but I honestly don’t ever want my diapers changed by her, my children or my neighbors. I would much rather see that done by a professional who is getting paid for their efforts.
Truth is I want to keep my kids out of the equation as much as possible. If they are going to play any role at all, it will be to manage my care, not to provide it. I don’t mind letting my kids fuss at the nurse for not doing something just-so. I don’t mind if they volunteer to drive me to my doctor’s appointment; but there is no way I am going to allow them to do the work themselves; at least not as long as I can help it.
